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Preach to me, or just watch me breathe [Nov. 11th, 2009|08:16 pm]
bxbx
Good evening, hope all is well with you as you are reading this. It's kind of weird that I'm writing this sentence about wishing well to you before you even reads this. It's kind of like what I'm writing now, at this very moment, wont even take affect until someone reads it. It wont mean anything unless there is someone to wish well. Weird thought, I know, but still crossed my mind. I'm weird like that, ha!

This weekend (Friday to be particular, which technically is not a weekend) I had to go to a training in Salem for work. Nothing new there. Since I've gotten this job (which I am so grateful for and am truly enjoying) I have had to take many trips to Salem in order to attend required trainings. They're usually pleasant enough. However, this last one I attended proved to be quite different from the rest.

It was called something like "cultural competency and diversity." I cannot recall the exact title. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. While I sat there and listened to our class dialogue about the topic a million thoughts crossed my mind. It was only an 8, or so, hour class, but it managed to leave an impression on me that lasted far beyond that. As a matter of fact I'm still thinking about it. It's inspired me.

The class, as one could guess, had to do with learning how broad diversity is and how we have to be accepting of others regardless of our own convictions. This topic always dances a fine line with me in terms of acceptance vs. tolerance. I'm only 24, but I've come to conclusions on many things in life. There are some things I will not compromise and there are other things where I'm up for negotiating. I still welcome new ideas and explanations, but for some things...I will not buckle down.

Anyway, I liked this class because it stretched my mind. I'm at a place in life where I'm learning to look at the "bigger picture." There are things I'll write, say, do, (intentionally and unintentionally) that will make some people mad, or offend them. I used to let the thought of hurting someone bug me so much so that I would compromise my beliefs and let down my guard. Well, it's not like I'm perfect and have lost the ability to make mistakes, but I can say that I've learned a few things about letting "wanting to be accepted" get to me. Life is short, too short to hold back. Look at the news, people are always dieing.

That's not really surprising, I mean it's going to happen to us all. I guess the timing and the way some people have died are what's shocking to me. This isn't a letter about death though. The point to me is just that life is short no matter how you look at it. There's always "should've" "could've" "would've" or "wish I didn't" Even so...the show must go on so to speak. We are still here for the time being.

Every single day is an attempt to turn this world upside down for me. I am not here to simply make money, drink mochas and die. Although I enjoy these activities it is not the "legacy" I'd like to leave behind. My hope of there being a Starbucks in heaven is absolutely nothing when compared to the real meaning of having two lungs to breathe. Have you ever thought about that? Not what people think about you, but how you lived life? I think about it often. Obviously. I think it's what I address most in my writings.

Don't get me wrong, what people think truly matters because it is often times a representation of something deeper. There's a reason people say the things they do about others. Sometimes it's to be mean, sometimes it's to be loving, sometimes it's out of peer pressure, whatever. It still happens, it's life. At the same time you've got to have something to measure other people's words by...or else we would all just go crazy. We're all such individuals. That's what this class was mostly addressing. Our diversity within ourselves, not just what we look like on the outside.

I'm always thinking of ways to be a Christian that shows love ya know? I really do love people. Showing love like Jesus did. There are a lot of times I can get caught up in that trap of thinking that I'm seriously any different then the next person. Ok, we are all different from each other, but I mean that comment in a different way. For instance, I have an ability to make mistakes like anyone else; I have the ability to feel just like anyone else; I have the ability to think just like anyone else; I make choices like everyone else...and so on.

Thinking this way is what made me realize that God is what made the difference. The salvation is what's different. It's not like I never say a curse word, and it's not as if I haven't gotten overly angered with someone. I don't know where the world got the idea that people who love God are transformed in to someone who cannot make a wrong move. The entire world has not adopted this way of thinking, but there are clearly some who do, and I just don't understand that. You say you love Jesus and are often watched by ones who will call you out if you fail in any way, shape, or form. Then you might get called a "liar" or told you are not really representing God in a good way. Really, if people depended on me to see who God is then I'll just turn in my time card right now. I am not the one, people. I was died for not lived for, and it wasn't something I achieved through anything I did. It was out of love.

Well then why bother doing anything different as a Christian I asked myself? I'll be forgiven if I ask for it and truly want it so seriously what's the point here? I mean if we are all so different who am I to say what is wrong and what is right.? Then I ask myself what is the point of having a God if I'm just going to choose what is "good," what is "bad?" blah blah blah and do my own thing? It was kind of like an "oh, that's way" moment. Thinking that I had all the answers left no room to let God be God.

In terms of diversity I was wondering "well what if someone does something that is wrong, but maybe they don't see it that way?" They're just diverse; they're just different from me? Who really enjoys being told what to do all the time anyway? We refer to that as preaching right? Isn't that slightly annoying at times? Well sure it is we're only human.

On the other hand silence will kill. What we choose to hold back has no choice, but to be invisible, and be forced to find some other way to get out. Like a pot boiling over. It will continue to boil until whatever liquid is in it is evaporated in to air, but it has to do something. It doesn't just boil forever.

Moving right along, here's the jist. I want to be loving and accepting of people like God is no matter how diverse they are. I want to do it in the right way. I've written it before, there is a difference between truth and opinion. Clearly some things are wrong. I don't like it any more than the next person. There are days where I wish I was able to do certain things and not feel about it, but that's not the case. I didn't make the rules, I'm only trying my best to live them out.

There are friends I have who do things I know aren't right and I don't always say that. why? Hello, I'll feel bad. I don't want to hurt them or lose their love. So I'm torn at this point and I ask God "why do I have to risk hurting someone?" and "how can I let them know I love them, but what they're doing is not ok?" Here and there I feel like people are going to say "It's not wrong just because I think so"

So far I've realized that things, anything, can be said in a loving way. Also, doesn't matter how, or what you do/say you might just be destined to hurt someone if you call them out on something. And...that's the risk we make isn't it? It doesn't mean you don't love someone. I've had that happen. People say things, I get hurt, pull away from them type-of-thing. However, you know what's interesting...? I have always wanted to come back to those people and let them know that I'm glad they said something, or I'm at least able to understand. Interesting.

I look at the bigger picture once again and have to accept that this road isn't perfectly set up. It's one day at a time while keeping the goal in mind. "Treat people individually" while realizing we're all human. We're all different/diverse/unique and should be loved. There will always be questions of "who, what where when why how how long?" There is right and wrong. Nobody ever said it would be any different. It is the reality of life. It's important to listen to what is really being said, and not what we think we heard.

I''ll continue to rip apart life until I get to the end. I will live the truth of God as best as I can. I am going to fall back, make mistakes, and be kicked down, but I'm not going to lay down and wait to die.

Rock on, homies ;) :P :)
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When the coast is clear I am washed away [Nov. 25th, 2007|11:49 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |amusedamused]
[The DJ's currently spinnin' |Shrek]

I wonder. If people are so impressed with one's ability to accept invitations to do things with one another then why so un-impressed when the invitations are declined? I'm horrible at accepting people's invitations to hang out. I know this and I know that this makes me unworthy of being someone's friend. After all isn't being friends all about sharing time together and doing the things that make each other happy? This is what I have been told as of late. I also see it come to life in the relationships I have, or at least "think" I have.

I'm not extroverted. That's fine. I can accept that and I can accept that from other people, but it's hard to get others to accept it. I also have really low self-esteem that causes me to wonder if my time spent with someone really impacts their life for the better.

When spending time with some one (regardless of gender) I get nervous and feel like I have to be funny, or say something clever for people to truly like me and call me "friend." This creates far too much pressure for me and causes and me to become even more introverted than I already am. I want to be a good friend and be able to spend time with people because I truly do have a love for the human race in general. Yet it becomes increasingly difficult to express that desire due to how much rejection I have taken because I lack so much discipline n my responsibilities as a friend.

I wasn't always like this. I used to be outgoing and loud and yes...annoying. Now it feels like I have no confidence, no reason to talk, no eyes to connect with. I am lost in the current. I try. I fight for it. I see every reason to always try and to always keep going, but I am met with defeat everytime. Everytime I am struck down by myself. There are times when I've been struck by others, but for the most part I am my own worst enemy.

God, help me to understand and move past this stopping point.

Then I have been giving thought to how often my desires as a Christian battles with my desires to do things that are un-Christian. I love God and believe in Him completely. I want, more than anything, to be obedient to Him and do what I have been called to do. I want God's will. Even so there are plenty of occassions where my mind wonders into wrong-ness and I even succumb to that wrong-ness by carring out those actions which represent such thinking.

I am convinced that I can overcome this and will. I dont really have the answers as to how and when, but I know the outcome. The Lord really has given me (everyone) free will and in order to exercise that I will have to make my own deicisions. I want those decisions to reflect His character.

There are plenty of human examples that make people wonder if Christianity is even possible, but let me assure the reader that Christianity is not a call to absolute perfection. Everyone, and I do mean every single living-breathing human being, makes mistakes and commits sin. The Lord wants His creation to be perfect and whole, but it cannot be done without Him.

I need God. I cannot do this on my own. Not now; not ever. Often times this thought has frustrated me, but it does not take away from it's truth. It does not make this reality any less real. The truth and the answer is God and always will be God. (He is amazing and cool like that after all.)

I try not to get discouraged by my circumstances, or by things I see that I know are wrong and far too tempting, but I cannot say that I never do wrong. I do and even when I'm consciously aware of such I still do it. This is one of many reasons why I praise God and am so thankful for the cross and resurrection. I encourage others to not look at me for perfection, but I do encourage others to keep going...to keep trying...to keep pressing towards the goal.
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(no subject) [Jan. 22nd, 2007|03:39 am]
bxbx
Hey kids!
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News [Oct. 25th, 2006|07:54 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |contentcontent]
[The DJ's currently spinnin' |Fox News]

I'm in Kentucky!! Woop!Woop! I just about forgot that i had an LJ. Crazy sauce.
Well, I'm working on getting in the social work program here. I'm off by one reference. Reference letters can be such a pain. I mean you are basically asking people to write a paper about how awesome you are. How horrible is it when you ask someone to write a reference letter about you and they decline. I mean I understand the point of asking for reference letter, but it's so stressful and difficult to get done.
Anyway, classes are going well. I praise God for such a good life. Of course there are issues and problems, but I have been so blessed. I couldn't ask for anything more. The LORD is so full of mercy, grace and love. I'm living proof of that. Especially after all the life I've lived.
Eric and I are still doing really well. I love him very much and am just happy with our relationship.
Unfortunately I wont be going home for Christmas this year. That'll be weird and obviously disappointing. I dont know though, the money is just too much. It's even more expensive during the holidays.
Oh man, the news was funny today. There was a little kid who crawled inside one of those machines with the claw that you try and get stuffed animals with. Well he really wanted a Spongebob toy so he crawled inside. haha. cutie.
Well, that's all I have for now mainly because I have some homework to attend to.
God bless.
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trail mix [May. 27th, 2006|02:34 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |boredbored]

It has been so long since I've written in this journal. I guess I just don't have that much time anymore and when I do I forget to write.
Everything is going well in life I guess. My boyfriend, Eric, is in Africa. That's been hard, but not impossible by any means. Being home for the summer has been nice. I'm super nervous about going to Kentucky, but God knows everything.
I still need to get a job. I'm hoping to grab an internship somewhere. I'm not sure what my chances are of getting it, but either way, it's a shot.
One of my goals for the summer is to get in shape. It's been going well. Hopefully I can keep it up.
That's really all I have for now.
God bless and take care.
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What now? What now? [Mar. 23rd, 2006|02:58 pm]
bxbx
So incredibly confused and run down. God is good. Life is a question. I am no longer hungry. Is life an obsession?
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Why did everyone pick now to start falling apart? [Mar. 1st, 2006|11:03 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |aggravatedaggravated]

Yeah so everybody seems to be dieing...emotionally, homeworkly, schooly, friendly, relationally, mentally, physically, socially...God help us all.

God is still good.
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Assume the position, aim, fire! Oh crap I shot my friend!! [Feb. 15th, 2006|06:59 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |hopefulhopeful]

Yo!
How does someone shoot their friend while hunting? lol. I tell you I feel sorry for Mr. Cheney. It's embarrassing and I'm sure he feels horrible about shooting his homie. People are people and mistakes do occur. More than anything I think it's silly that lots of people can't understand that. We are a bored people. It's still a funny matter, but I must say...overdone.

Today the whole frisbee deal did not go too well because it was so cold outside so there will be a mario kart tournament sometime soon. The weather is just not dependable.

So tonight was supposed to be dinner and a movie with the roomie, but of course that didn't happen. I was looking forward to it!! Oh well. Stuff happens and whatcanyado?

I burnt my tongue. It hurts so bad right now. I took the chicken right out of the pan and it was burning my fingers so I stuck it in my mouth and BAM! Hurt like a mother.

I feel apathetic lately. I think with all the talk about life lately and the mix of feeling like my friends don't want to be around me, has certainly added unto these emotions. I can't wait for this term to be over. I'm seriously ready for a new beginning which will hopefully take place in kentucky next year. I need to pray about that and see what's happening. I hope so much that I'm in. I can't wait for this term to be over. I am so ready for it to be all over and put behind me. Everyday I tell myself how grateful I am to be leaving. I know it sounds horrible, but the only thing that has made me even think twice about leaving is my friends. I love them a lot and will miss them.

I miss praying so much! Ah, it feels like a foreign concept to me for some reason. Well anyway...

God bless
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Know your roll [Feb. 14th, 2006|06:11 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |crushedcrushed]

It is very interesting how you can be fooled into thinking that you're way is the right way. So many times we drown in seas of thinking. We think we know something when we really do not. Especially when the situation involves two people.
I can truly say this because of the previous romantic relationship I was in. The guy I was with had a totally different persepctive of the relationship. I couldn't believe my ears, but what can you do? I realized that even though I had different feelings for him I needed to move on. I waited a long time for a divine moment where he would come back and sweep me into his arms. That was a mess. Never happened. In fact that total opposite occured.

1. He said the fruits of our relationship were horrible, awful!
2. He said He was miserable and sad the entire time he was with me and that he was foolish for not letting me know of these feelings. Instead he just tried to fight them.
3. He said our relationship was very unhealthy and an addiction. He said it was a co-dependancy relationship.
4. He said we lied to all of our friends (this part I do not understand)
5. We hurt everyone around us.
6. He doesn't love me anymore
7. He never wants to be with me again
8. I have no idea how much I hurt him (he really emphasized this part.)
9. He went out with me because he felt sorry for me because he had something I needed.
10. We hurt everyone around us so much (don't get all of this either)

It hurt so bad to hear all of this, but what can ya do? I just gotta move on. I tried so hard. I gave it all I had. It was all shot. Blah. I can't believe a lot of what went on.

Well anyway, I could use prayer. So much! haha. God is my strength. God bless him for the sake of blessing him, but it's been over and needs to stay that way.
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If the chicken crossed the road there must be another side [Feb. 11th, 2006|09:38 pm]
bxbx
[And the winner is... |energeticenergetic]

God is amazing!

What a wonderful Saturday. I had so much fun filming with Tyler and Jon. Oh man it was good times.

Yesterday me and Ashy went to town. We even saw Mackey on the road. Wuh-hu-ho! I went through a car wash. Those things are amazing! Cleaned the car right up. It's one those that you drive through. This country has it all I must say.

Went to the bxbx game as well. That was boring until Anders started yelling at the refs. lol. Oh man that was my favorite part.

I also ate dinner at Applebees on Saturday and had ice cream at Dairy Queen afterwards. Amazingness!

I'm thinking I'm gonna go over to Tyler, Ryan and Brian's to watch Seinfeld in a few here. I just got back from a run. I had to go on one cause I ate Taco Bell and cookies for dinner. Mmmmm...so good.

Anyway, after my run I walked over to the bridge and did a whole lot of thinking. It was really good. I talked to God and thought about things like leaving GFU next year. I don't know if I've mentioned that on this journal thing, but I'm totally not coming back to George Fox next year. Hopefully I'll get into this school in Kentucky! I'm so excited! The only downfall is that I won't be able to come home except for Christmas and summer probably. It'll be a good change though! I'm excited!! I'm really, really gonna miss my friends here though. I love them all so much! Well, times take ya different places and I really feel that this is the right thing to do. Kentucky all the way!

Not much homework this weekend. It's been such a nice weekend. I've just rested in God's peace and mercy and grace.

I read from John today and some proverbs. Proverbs 16 was very touching. Verses 6-9 stood out the most. Twas grand.

Mmmmmm...I don't know what else to say. Don't forget the world cup is this year!!! Ole ole ole ole Brasil...Brasil! Woop! Woop!

God bless
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